No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
Nah. You're just having a time.
Patty, I'm not "having a time." I'm serious.
I'm gonna kill him, and I'm gonna make it look like an OD.
Okay.
What? That's -- That's not exactly an insult.
I mean, you're like -- you're you.
You mean the person who just saved your ass from two cops?
Yeah, and it's not like you shot 'em and we're on the I am.
You asked nicely.
Maybe you talk -- or think -- a big game, but come on.
When it really comes down to it, you're, like...
wallpaper.
In the nicest way possible.
Are you mad at me now?
Yes.
No. I just...
You're right.
I think I am just having a time.
♪♪
Oh, shoot.
Can you notice this bruise?
Oh, what? You mean where the giant trucker fell on you?
Yeah, it shows.
Shoot.
How am I gonna explain this to Kevin?
Allison, you think I'm walking around wondering
how I'm gonna explain a random gun in the house to Neil?
No.
I'm gonna bury it in the backyard
so I don't have to explain anything.
Cover it up.
Some criminal mastermind you'd be.
♪♪
[Laughter]
[High-pitched ringing]
[Indistinct conversations]
♪♪
Jenn: Allison?
Jenn!
Hey! Hi!
Hey, girl. How are you?
I'm fine. Fine.
This place is great, right?
Totally. I-I-I love it here.
[Chuckles]
That foundation's perfect for you.
It's so good for under-eye circles.
[Snickers]
Not that -- Not that you need it, of course.
Thank you. [Chuckles]
Oh.
[Both chuckle]
Oh. It was so good seeing you.
Let's get coffee soon, okay?
Sure. Sure. Okay. Bye.
♪♪
Hi. Um...
how much is this?
$30.
Are you serious?
Yes.
There's a CVS down the street.
No. That's -- That's fine.
Um, I will take this.
Of course. Please.
♪♪
ls there anything else I can get you, ma'am?
No. That's -- That's all for today...
ma'am.
♪♪
Oh, come on.
♪♪
[Sighs]
[Radio playing indistinctly]
Hey, Kurt.
Hi.
You look... perfect.
Oh, yeah. I feel radiant.
Kurt, it's -- it's Tuesday.
Uh-huh.
Oh. That's cold.
Yeah.
We don't usually hang out on Tuesdays.
No, I know.
I just, uh, I thought I'd make an exception.
So we could talk.
Okay.
Maybe you got some thinking done on the road?
About us?
♪♪
You forgot.
I proposed.
And... y-you forgot.
No. No, I did-- I didn't forget.
I mean...
I-I really -- I mean to think about it.
I did think about it. I just --
The truth is, I didn't know why
you had to propose in the first place.
I mean, we've been doing this for three years,
and it's fine.
It's fine?
Yeah.
It's good, you know?
Nothing was wrong.
I don't know why we should mess it up.
Because I don't want to just stand still
for the rest of my life.
Why not? We both hate exercise.
Patty.
I'm not asking for anything weird.
What I want is normal.
It's what normal people do.
♪♪
Normal people.
♪♪
So, I'm not normal because I want to live my life
the way that I want to?
Look, if this is the way you want things, then...
yeah, I-I -- you know, I can't do it anymore.
♪♪
If we're never gonna get married...
♪♪
No.
♪♪
We're not.
♪♪
Then we're done.
♪♪
Fine.
♪♪
You know what?
Have fun rotting at Kevin's house.
♪♪
[Door opens]
[Door closes]
[Laughter]
Well, this is cozy.
Yeah. It's a tight fit.
Hey, well, what's going on here?
Ah. The women of the hour are here.
Allison, would you be a doll and sit down for a second?
[Laughter]
Okay.
What is this, Kevin?
Oh, no big deal.
Just got a question.
Just one teeny tiny, itsy bitsy question.
Did you really think I wouldn't find out
what you two did on your road trip?!
I'm gonna make like a border guard here
and ask if there's anything you'd like to declare.
-No? -No?
And boom goes the dynamite!
I found this burger wrapper from Top Dog
laying on the back floor of my car.
You're mad that we left a wrapper in your car?
Kevin, we found a whole wheel of cheese under one of the seats.
Hey, that was aging.
Oh, no. This is not about the mess.
This so-called "beauty expo" that the two of you took
my car to was located in Brattleboro,
yet the nearest Top Dog burger franchise
is located in Burlington.
Well -- So, what happened then is that --
by your own account --
you both drove three full hours out of your way
to eat at Top Dog?
And you didn't bring a burger back for me?!
Unforgivable! Sacrilege!
The evidence doesn't lie, ladies!
Oh! Kevin!
The burger would have gotten cold on the drive back.
And that's why I have a toaster oven, Patty!
Wow. He -- He caught us.
Yep. Picture of a toaster oven. Lock us up.
[Chuckles] No.
This is not an "us" problem.
You see, Allison doesn't know squat about fast food,
bless her heart.
She's simple.
She's narrow-minded.
She's right here.
She likes salad.
Boo.
Allison would never pick up a burger for anyone.
But you?
You shoulda known better.
The group can't have that.
So, Patty O'Connor, you are hereby...
excommunicated.
What that means is that you are no longer allowed in
or sometimes near a church -- I know what it means, Pete.
Yeah, well, in this case, it's the church of Kevin.
This isn't easy on any of us,
but you're free now to start a new gang.
You can take Allison.
Gee, thanks.
Hey! Sorry. Reflex.
And we will move on as well.
This town is flush with Pattys.
It's a buyers' market for Pattys.
Happy shopping.
I know you love a bargain.
You can tell by Allison's wardrobe.
Hey! Sorry. Reflex.
[Laughter]
I think that went great. I think so.
Yeah.
Hey.
What?
You okay?
Yeah. I'm fine. Whatever.
You know he's gonna change his mind in, like, two minutes.
It's how he is.
I-I don't want him to change his mind.
I don't care.
Okay, well, you know what would cheer you up?
I said I don't care.
Why don't we do something stupid tonight?
Why would we do something if we knew it was stupid?
Because sometimes, stupid can be fun.
We can, like, break into the community pool
and go swimming, or we could go to the Seas
and scam drinks off married guys.
♪♪
I'm gonna go home and eat a really big burrito.
♪♪
Have fun.
♪♪
[Sighs]
[Pot shatters]
[Sighs]
[Gasps] Jesus Christ.
Don't worry. It's just me.
Yeah, and who the hell are you? How'd you get in here?
I picked the lock at the back.
You know, this place has been here forever.
Business must be good.
Yeah. People always need haircuts.
Oh, yeah.
Aunt Cindy just loves your haircuts.
C-Cindy?
Cindy is your --
Aunt. Yeah. Nice lady.
Real bad pill problem, though.
I've been taking some off her hands.
[Chuckles] I'm a family man.
So, if you think about it,
you've kind of been selling to the both of us.
That's not the deal we had.
Um, what did you think was happening?
That my little old auntie
was throwing back two bottles a week?
[Laughs] Come on.
She's got knee issues.
Yeah.
There are plenty of people with "issues" in this town,
and you've been helping out a lot of 'em.
Half my friends buy through you.
That-- That's not possible.
Hey, you didn't ask questions
when your ladies started to put in bulk orders.
I get that. I do.
Why complicate things?
But if you're gonna dry up the well all of a sudden,
you gotta answer to all your real customers.
[Bell jingles]
Ah. Detective Ridgeway.
Back again.
I'm nothing if not thorough.
I think we covered everything.
Well, that's kind of for me to say, right?
We're still looking for this dealer,
and I heard some stuff about this area.
You know of any -- Nick Wyndorff.
You keeping your nose clean?
You bet, Detective Ridgeway.
Just got a nice wash.
Yeah. I don't really know anything about that.
Maybe it ended with the guy at Fiore's.
No. I think I have a pretty good lead beyond that.
Oh, good.
Drugs are...
bad.
♪♪
And what are you doing next Friday?
Well, I -- What?
You should come to a work thing with me.
A work thing? Yeah, it'll be, um, fun.
We can hang out, talk some more.
♪♪
Uh, sure. Yeah. Def-- Def-- Yeah.
Uh, that sounds good.
Well, great.
I'm sure I'll be seeing you, Nick.
♪♪
Nick?
Oh, my God.
Hey, bartender.
Another beer, please?
God, it's like I'm invisible.
If only.
You're like a bumper sticker, Neil.
You're the only one who doesn't have to look at you.
It's times like this I just wish that Patty would --
Uh, sorry.
I meant to say "She-Devil."
She-Devil was a pain, but she was useful, you know?
She was our enforcer. Please.
She's like Dad's hips -- utterly replaceable.
Hey, bartender.
Let me get some more buffalo sauce for my grilled cheese.
Hold up. What have we got here?
My friend.
You just ordered buffalo sauce for your grilled cheese?
I was unaware that was on the menu.
It's not.
But I don't order from the menu.
Not in here.
Not in life.
Whoa, I think that's deep.
What do you call that little baby?
I call it a Paddy Melt.
My name's Patrick, but everybody calls me "Paddy."
Paddy Melt.
Patty... Paddy.
Patty, Paddy. -Come on.
Kevin taketh and the Good Lord giveth.
Sir, why don't you come join us here?
Alright.
Hey, bartender, food, there.
He's very commanding.
I like the cut of your jib, Paddy.
Thank you very much, Kevin.
Did he just guess my name?
[Laughter]
Thank you.
Look, I get it, you're cold.
Well, that's what happens when it's 20 degrees
and the heat is still broken.
Yeah, well, I thought I could get away
with waiting to fix the furnace for another week or so.
It's been warm.
Yeah, well, you say that every year.
Ah. Cold does you good.
Keeps you awake.
[Bell chimes]
Did I tell you Chuck's been falling asleep at stop lights?
Yeah.
Hey.
[Radio playing indistinctly]
What are you doing?
Context clues, Allison.
God, I hate vodka.
Well, you got a-a whole liquor store in here.
It's efficient.
You still excommunicated?
What?
No. I mean, yes.
It's not about that.
Okay.
It's just all this shit, you know?
Why can't we all agree that change sucks
and everything should stay the same?
Well, that's a - that's a losing battle.
You can't put that toothpaste back in the tube.
Sure you can.
Use a Q-tip.
You know what I mean.
Day Drinking Barbie.
Love it.
Well, watching you work's making me thirsty, so...
Excuse me.
Hey.
I said "excuse me."
Okay, sorry.
When you bump into someone, you should acknowledge it
and, I don't know, maybe apologize.
Yeah, uh, I just said I'm sorry, okay?
Uppity bitch.
What did you just call me, you piece of shit?
You said "shit." I'm so proud of you.
All I'm asking for is some decency.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I am so sorry, sir.
Uh -- It's on the house.
What?
[Clears throat]
D, that man just bashed into me and called me a bitch.
Yeah, and I am sorry, but hello?
Is it your first day here?
Last week, I got spit on.
Come on. You know the drill.
We gotta put up with this crap daily.
You're right, D.
Yeah. I know.
We do.
What's this? You just said you were -- you were cold.
Oh, oh, oh. No.
Um...
I quit.
What?
Uh, Allison, you don't have to be so dramatic.
[Scoffs]
Bye, Diane.
Consider this my gold watch.
♪♪
Sam, I need to talk to you.
Now.
Okay.
♪♪
I'm not wallpaper.
♪♪
Nick: Evening.
Jesus Christ.
Never got to finish our conversation from earlier, so...
thought I'd stop by.
I don't know what else we have to talk about.
Oh.
The pills you owe me, for one.
The town is dry.
It's not my fault.
Oh.
I feel like you must not have heard of me
if you're taking that sorta tone.
No, I've heard of you.
Good.
♪♪
Your friend Tammy stopped by my house today.
Right after I saw her at your salon.
I-I didn't do that.
Sure.
Fine.
But...
she was asking questions about a local drug dealer,
someone who maybe sold before the town...
went dry.
Sounds familiar.
♪♪
So, if you want your friend Tammy to think that your salon
actually specializes in a good wash,
give me some pills, honey.
♪♪
[Breathes shakily]
♪♪
The way you got up in that Yankee fan's dumb face?
You scared him outta the bar
without even saying a single word.
You just stared at him.
And pulled out a big-ass knife.
This is exciting. We've never had a real badass in our crew.
Badass is fresh.
I've been badass for years. It's nothing new.
[Knock on door]
Alright. Got an intruder.
Female, 5'7", brown hair,
about 55 to 60 years of age.
That sounds like Patty.
Patty: I'm 33 and look it!
Let me in!
Can't allow it.
Patty violated my trust, and the price must be paid.
"You are the weakest link! Goodbye!"
You remember that show?
It was wicked cool.
Alright, Kevin has spoken.
Nobody gets into this house.
♪♪
Come on, Kevin!
Let me in!
I have Allison's coat.
♪♪
And a tallboy.
See? Not a trick.
Or a treat, that's for sure.
Kev, you just say the word
and I'll booby-trap this place soup to nuts.
You're soup to nuts.
You don't need to booby-trap anything.
Paddy, will you please tell Patty
that if Patty has something to say, Patty can say it to Paddy
and Paddy will tell me what Patty said?
[Laughter]
Uh, I think that means get outta here.
Whatever!
I'll wait in the kitchen for Allison.
That way, you won't even have to look at me.
Yeah, except we already looked at ya.
What was that, Neil? Nothing. I was talking about Kevin.
[Indistinct conversation]
[Bottles clink]
♪♪
[Pills rattle]
♪♪
Wow. That's nice.
I'm sorry. I just -- It's complicated.
Okay, well, maybe it doesn't have to be, you know?
Everything's complicated if you overthink it.
So, maybe instead of going just straight to guilt,
you could enjoy being stupid for once.
Impulsive.
You're giving me lessons on being impulsive?
Oh, I am totally unpredictable lately.
I, um...
I quit the package store today.
You did? Yeah.
I just -- I threw down my smock and I walked out of there.
Wow.
You've been there for, what, 10 years?
16.
I just felt like if I was in that place for one more second,
I'd literally die.
I'd keel over next to the rack of Malibu.
On sale for $23.99.
What are you gonna do instead?
Uh, I don't know.
Anything.
That's exciting.
Very impulsive. Yeah.
And obviously, that job wasn't going anywhere,
and I feel like I need to keep going, you know?
Although they did pay me.
But it was terrible money.
But it was still money.
It was still steady money.
Oh, my God. What have I done?
There's the Allison I know.
No, I'm serious. What am I gonna do?
It'll be fine. No, I can't have no money.
What am I -- I'm gonna rely on my husband for an allowance?
Jesus Christ. Hey, listen, um...
I've been hurting for reliable employees
since I opened this place, and I know you can drop a tray
full of water glasses with the best of them.
I've seen it. That was one time.
Well?
Are you -- Are you serious?
You're offering me a job right now?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, it didn't really seem problematic until just now,
but I just wanted to impulsively offer a hand.
[Radio playing indistinctly]
♪♪
I know what you did.
What?
The seat, please.
Interrogate her like I taught you, Kev.
Where are we even gonna find 40 strobe lights?
In my van.
Where were you tonight, Allison?
At work.
Doing what?
Working?
[Scoffs]
Do you take me for some kind of an idiot, Allison?
Did you really think I would have no idea
what's going on with my own wife?
This is a small town.
It was only a matter of time until I found out...
that you quit the liquor store?!
The liquor store? Yeah! The liquor store!
Diane just called and told me what happened.
Now, if you'll look at this board, you'll see see all the --
Neil: Eh, you got the wrong side there.
That's the one you used from earlier.
Just flip it around, Kevin.
Flip it, Kev. There you go. Nice flip.
Thanks, Paddy.
Because of your actions,
we just lost your 10% discount on alcohol.
So, I took the liberty of laying out the math for ya.
Uh... this is math?
Look at the board and you'll see all of the things that,
because of your little tantrum, we can longer afford.
I love when Kev goes full "Murder, She Wrote."
We do have similar hair.
Kevin, I already got a new job.
Is it at another liquor store?
No. A diner. Gah!
Allison, this all comes back to one basic concept --
loyalty.
I demand it.
Our marriage demands it.
Kev, you deserve not to have to think about this stuff.
You know what would make you feel better?
The doctors say a quadruple bypass.
A relaxing dudes' day of competitive paintball.
Sir, we'd love nothing more.
Hell yeah.
I'm out.
But, Dad, you love war simulations.
Yeah, you always get so into them.
Those are called flashbacks.
I'm gonna sit this one out, catch up on my Bible reading.
You wanna read a real Bible,
might wanna check out "The Da Vinci Code."
[imitates explosion]
Hey.
No one mentioned you were in here.
They probably forgot.
You waiting for me?
What the hell are these, Allison?
What? You went through my pockets?
So not the point.
I got them from the trucker in Vermont.
The one you pistol whipped.
Okay.
You carried them around.
You're actually thinking about doing this.
I already told you that I was.
It's not my fault you don't listen. Excuse me.
You're the woman who won't speak up
when she doesn't get a slice of her own birthday cake.
You can't blame me for having some doubts that you're going...
You know I'm dry,
and it's -- it's created more problems.
Like, murder-y guys guys coming around my place, threatening me.
Why don't you just give me these, okay?
Can't. No, Allison.
You can't do this.
The thing is, I think I can.
Turns out, I'm actually good at...
doing terrible things to people
who deserve what's coming to them.
It's not that hard.
It's just like giving karma a little push.
And no one deserves what's coming to them
more than that asshole in the living room.
And I got the pills, and all I gotta do
is just spike the next disgusting meal
he makes me make for him, and just --
just watch his breathing slow down until it stops.
And then I'm free, Patty.
Okay.
Maybe that's true.
Maybe you could go through with it.
I'm telling you, I can.
Okay, you can go through with it.
But are you really sure that it'll work?
♪♪
Because you better be.
You better know beyond a doubt
that he's not gonna wake up the next day
wondering why the hell he passed out
and pissed himself after eating what you fed him.
Well...
that should be enough.
Should?
Allison, this is Kevin we're talking about.
The guy who drank a pint of moonshine on Christmas Eve,
then woke up for kegs and eggs on Christmas Day.
He's a tank.
This whole thing -- this plan -- it's dangerous.
♪♪
And not just for you.
♪♪
Hear me out for a sec.
Kevin's got a very public grudge against me right now.
That's motive.
I got the cops coming in and out of the salon every other day
asking about the "local dealer" who's been selling --
who's been selling Oxys to the town.
Maybe you don't give a shit.
Maybe you don't have a conscience
when it comes to Kevin anymore.
But try and have one when it comes to me.
♪♪
Please.
♪♪
It's gonna be fine.
Okay?
It's all gonna be fine. [Pills rattle]
♪♪
[Door opens, closes]
Oh, God.
[Radio playing indistinctly]
[Knock on door]
Patty: Kurt?
[Knock on door]
[Sighs]
Hey! Patty.
Kurt, hi. What are you doing?
I need to talk to you. Okay?
I know I was being real stupid earlier,
letting this end.
I was just scared, you know?
I mean, you're -- you're the best.
Solid, steady.
That's what I want.
Forever.
So, let's do this.
Let's get married.
I made a huge mistake.
I don't think you did.
What are you talking about? I-I --
Kevin called me.
Kevin?
Yeah.
He, uh, wanted me to know "the kind of lady I was with."
Said you couldn't be trusted,
and that you went behind his back and --
Oh, my God. Kurt, he's a Goddamn idiot.
I mean, he's just mad that I didn't bring him a burger back
from when Allison and I went on our trip.
It's nothing.
Yeah, I-I know what it was about.
He told me.
And I know he's an idiot.
I mean, I've been telling you that for years.
But...
when he was telling me what happened,
I realized you obviously never went to a beauty expo.
I Googled it, and there aren't even any beauty expos
in Vermont.
And I guess I really don't care where you actually went.
Maybe it has something to do with the cop that was stopping
by the pharmacy, asking questions about you.
I have no idea.
But that's the thing that got me.
I have no idea.
Not where you were,
not what you might be doing with Allison.
Like, none.
We've been sitting next to each other
for the last three years,
and, uh, I don't think I know you at all.
♪♪
So, just...
♪♪
[Laughs]
Frickin' Revelations.
So, how did playing paintball go with Travis Bickle?
First of all, the "paintball course"
was the parking lot of a Walmart.
Paddy would just shoot anyone who didn't put their cart away.
Yeah, and he shot me whenever his little heart desired,
which it desired a lot.
That's a "P," man.
He basically branded me.
He's a psycho.
With excellent aim.
Alright, who's gonna tell this unhinged marksman
to hit the bricks?
[Laughter]
We're in a bit of a jam here.
No! No!
[All shouting indistinctly]
♪♪
And remember, it has to be a real smash burger.
Chili, extra cheese.
And none of your fancy cheese, okay?
Just terrible yellow American.
Sam: I know how to make a burger, thank you.
Okay.
♪♪
You ready to start the new chapter
of your career next week?
The Bev's Diner Chapter?
Absolutely.
Expect my whole life to change.
♪♪
Uh, is that burning, Sam?
Oh, shit.
Ah.
So, why do you have me re-creating a Top Dog burger?
♪♪
[Laughter]
Look, Kev.
Is that a Top Dog burger?
Where'd you get that? Oh, I'm not sure.
Someone left it on the back stoop with a note
that just said "I'm sorry."
Who could it have been?
Let me think this through.
Who in my life needs to apologize to me?
-Probably Patty. -Yeah, it's gotta be Patty.
Um, Patty does make the most sense.
No, no, no. Paddy's right here.
Alright, this sounds insane, but hear me out.
I bet it's Patty.
[Laughter]
Solid work, Kev.
So, Patty drove all the way back to Top Dog
just to make up for her act of betrayal?
Noble.
Hey, there, little buddy. In a matter of moments,
you're about to go from outside me to inside me.
You step back, She-Devil!
You are banned from the premises!
Bro, you gotta calm down.
You're way too intense.
Too intense? What, are you kidding me?
My intensity is what makes me an ideal upgrade from you!
Ain't that right, my guys?
[Laughter]
Clearly, they agree with me.
Oh, yeah, right. And they're just too nice to tell me?
Absolutely not. They're too scared.
Scared?
[Laughter]
Kev, that's not how you feel, is it?
I try not to start any statements with "I feel."
It's too soft.
Paddy, you're terrifying.
I'm very afraid of you, and I'm huge.
Together: Sorry.
No.
No, I'm sorry, alright?
I never wanted to make anybody feel uncomfortable.
I think I should leave.
It's probably for the best.
[Laughter]
Hey.
[Laughter]
Paddy, wait -- No, no, no.
My parole's getting revoked anyway
'cause of what I did to that mannequin, so...
What'd you do to that mannequin?
You're sweet.
Well, guess I'll see y'all in around five to seven years!
[Laughter]
That was amazing.
You stood up to him like nobody else.
Yeah, you really saved our necks there.
Too bad this didn't happen yesterday.
You could have really saved Neil's neck.
Oh.
It's very purple.
Which is a good thing.
It means the bruise is getting air.
I'm impressed.
You really showed you've got what it takes.
I like the cut...
of your jib.
Thanks.
Welcome back to the group.
And thanks for the burger.
What burger?
Okay. I get it.
You don't know anything about the Top Dog burger
that just happened to be on my stoop with an apology note.
Alright. This is gonna happen in two bites.
You ready?
Maybe it would've worked, but --
Maybe.
Yeah, maybe isn't good enough, I guess.
So, just take 'em if you think it'll help.
Half the problem, for sure.
Though I don't think it does me any favors
with Detective Ridgeway.
[Sighs]
Thanks, though.
Don't think this is me changing my mind, though,
'cause I-I can't.
Okay. [Sighs]
I get it.
He's a manipulative dick.
Once you see it, you can't un-see it, you know?
Yep.
But you do realize that we got pulled over together
out of state.
We assaulted a trucker together.
You made me an accomplice without telling me.
If you get caught, I go down, too.
I'll end up rotting away in prison
because you roped me into this mess.
Or because you're an evil drug dealer.
That was a joke.
No. Shut up.
Okay.
Detective Ridgeway is looking for the local dealer.
Yeah. You.
So, maybe...
we give her somebody different.
If Kevin...
is going to die.
Yes.
Okay.
So, maybe instead of in some quiet, small way,
it's big and violent and surrounded
by certain drug-dealing stuff --
who's to say he wasn't selling to the town?
♪♪
That's an idea.
♪♪
That's a good idea.
You think I can pull off big and violent?
No. Allison, look at your coat.
We'd obviously need to outsource.
Okay.
Well, um...
you know any natural-born killers?
♪♪
I think I might.
♪♪